Need opinions on a story that I'm writing?

The story is most likely going to be called "camille-online", because it's an online blog written by Camille Daphne St. Aux. Also the setting is made up, as so are the characters, designers, etc.





My first draft was: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…


The grammer corrections still aren't complete, but it's better.








Here's what I have so far:








december 31st


3:37 P.M.


Penelope and I are becoming party crashers. First, we snuck into Agatha DuPont’s 15th birthday party in November. Then a few days later, when Eloise Lavelle was getting married to Mason Parvenus, we wore our pink and peach Ronde Vu halter dresses and three inch Debonair heels and pretended to be Mason’s cousins. Now, we really have to go to this New Years Party today. Jude Chevalier, director of the comedy series, “Wanted: Cereal Stalker” and the romantic movie, “That Thing Called Love”, has a son named Stephen, who’s hosting the party, and also a complete stud, might I add. It’s going to be at the Xam Palace. I had my 15th birthday party there, and it was spectacular. It had cost tons, but it was definitely worth it.





The reason that we have to crash this party is not that we were not invited. Well, I was invited, but Penelope wasn’t. She doesn’t really know the Chevaliers, but is usually invited to all the major parties. Gisele Braque and Yvette Jade, two of my other close friends were also going, and it made Penelope really upset when she heard this. I’m a great friend, and when I saw Penelope disappointed, I tried to cheer her up. Although I knew that there would be a guest list, I offered to make a copy of my invitation just for her. I had received it a couple of weeks ago. Stephen’s younger sister, Emily, gave it to me in period 2 English at Greenfield High School. Her exact words as she placed the envelope in my hands were “Keep it safe, we don’t give out seconds.” Apparently, the party was ‘invitation only’, and I was not allowed to bring anyone else. Just like my party, there were over 800 people invited, and it was very crucial to have an invitation.





I tried to be careful to keep my invitation safe. However, the day that I received it, it was raining. When I ran into my dad’s Mercedes, driven by our ex-chauffeur, Ludovic, it had fallen. I only realized this when we were in front of our house; but when I told Ludovic to take us back to the school, it was gone. Maybe someone found it, maybe the wind blew it away, maybe we weren’t quick enough, I don’t know. I cried throughout the whole car ride. It wasn’t fair: I worked so hard to get that invite. I was nice to Emily and Stephen all year. I even babysat for their little brother, Edward. I don’t know what I did to deserve loosing my invite. All I knew was: 1) It had disappeared 2) Whoever had it was going to pay in some way, shape, or form, and 3) I asked my dad to fire Ludovic because he wasn’t quick enough to take me back to the high school. By the next day, our new chauffeur, and our 42nd, was Harvey.





Harvey, unlike Ludovic, was quick, but not too fast. I asked him to take me to the Stephen’s house. My plan to ask, not beg, Emily to give me another invite. Stephen lives in my neighborhood, Parlor Place, in Amore, Corni. Parlor Place is huge, and not to be a complete snob, but the richest people live there… including myself. The houses there are mansions, named after the family that lives there. For example, Stephen’s house is called the Chevalier Mansion, nicknamed and most known as ‘Chev Manor.’ My house is called the St. Aux Mansion. Even though Stephen’s house is massive, it’s only going to be used as the setting for the after party.|||Well, the writing isn't bad, but most people don't enjoy reading about rich girls because either they're the stereotypical snob or they seem really fake. Rich people are hard to write. And your narrator seems shallow.





On the writing itself: Don't use numbered lists in narrative.|||Wow, you are really good! I want to keep reading because of the elment of surprise you use! You should post more up!





~~~Music is My Life~~~~